What I Continue to Live For

Although my inner demons would like to make it seem that my life is terrible, I’m a horrible person, I’m ugly, fat, and a loser with no friends, there’s two things that have kept me alive so far. Everyone who suffers from depression needs a constant, something that is always there, something that grounds them. When life gets rough and the demons tell me it would be easier if I didn’t exist, these are the things that I cling to. 

My most important constant is my daughter. She is currently an 18 year old college student at one of the top division I universities, where she holds down a work study job at the law library, is a member of the chorus and anime club, and for the fall semester retained a 4.0, which she is on track to keep for this semester. She is my entire world. Everything I can do, I do for her. I go without so she can have. 

Mental illness often runs in families, and unfortunately, she got it from both sides of her genetics. She has also struggled with the demons of depression throughout middle and high school, but she seems to be doing well in college. 

She is my constant. If I were to die, where would she go? Who would take care of her? Not her father, clearly. Not only that, but she would be devastated without me. We are very close. 

My other constant, and this may seem silly to some, is my dogs. One is an almost four year old chihuahua and jack Russell mix, Hiro. The other is a two year old I have no idea what mix, Tessa. Hiro I have had since he was 5 months old and has been my constant companion. He hates being separated from me, even going on hunger strikes when I’m not there. He has been my baby, my love, my cuddle buddy, and my emotional support for three years. Tessa is a fountain of love and endless energy. She is everyone’s friend at the dog park, and the one that makes me get up out of bed in the morning. But as much as I need them, I know they need me more. With overcrowding in shelters, if I wasn’t here, where would they go? Surely Hiro would starve to death on a hunger strike. 

So those are my two constants that help keep me sane and stay my hand from self execution. I hope that if you, reader, suffer from depression like I do, you have a constant or will soon find one. 

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